
William D. Parham, Ph.D., ABPP, is a professor in the counseling program at LMU School of Education. His expertise in sport psychology, multicultural counseling, trauma counseling, and health psychology have made him widely known through his scholarship and conversations with domestic and international audiences. He is also director of mental health and wellness for the National Basketball Players Association (NBPA). In a series of columns for LMU This Week, Parham shares his thoughts on a range of wellness topics.
At a gathering of friends who had not come together in person for a long time, due largely to the coronavirus pandemic, a colleague shared an observation declaring, “Wow, how the world changed in the last two years!”
My immediate response was to affirm his observation, but I also felt lured to invite him to say more about that, on which he was apparently meditating. Continued reflection about the two-year ‘disconnection’ prompted him to offer comments about increased community disruptions provoked by gun violence, rampant homelessness, smash-and-grab robberies, and ever-growing domestic and global government instabilities.
Mounting targeted attacks against cultural, ethnic, racial, LBGTQIA+, and faith-based communities, persons with disabilities, and women coupled with the sustained and arguably politicized indifference to these very visible and relentless attacks represented key events that framed his recollection. Suddenly, quietly, and without an obvious reason to pivot, he seamlessly “slips” into our conversation the joy and immense satisfaction he received when he began three months ago volunteering at a community organization.
He added, “prior to COVID, I just didn’t have the time to spend volunteering my time to help other people.” There was an “aliveness” in his recollection and a pride in what he discovered about himself once he got some distance, albeit forced, away from the uninspired routine of his day-to-day grind. “Hmmm, I thought, has the world changed or is my colleague that one who has changed?”
An often-heard mantra, paraphrased, invites consideration of the assertion that “the best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others.” In short, thinking about others forces people to suspend thinking about themselves. Committing to a volunteer experience is one way of serving others. Random acts of kindness represent another way of serving others.
Random acts of kindness help to build and sustain healthy relationships with people, also known as growing your “relational capital.” Random acts of kindness strengthen interpersonal bonds that can last a lifetime. Random and targeted acts of kindness unleash healing and restorative powers that benefit persons on the receiving end of kind gestures and persons sharing the gift of kindness. What’s noteworthy is that even small gestures of kindness often pay larger emotional dividends than anticipated for all persons involved in heart-rending exchanges.
Acts of kindness are always timely. This observation is especially true when witnessing acts of kindness coming from strangers who do not have a clue about the challenging circumstances the person to whom they are showing kindness may be facing. Yet that one act of kindness, however small, can make an immediately, longer-term, and sometimes lifesaving difference.
Random and targeted acts of kindness can be as simple and easy as smiling at someone; making eye contact; saying “hello”; asking about a person’s day; thanking someone for their service; sharing a compliment with your barber, hairstylist, or manicurist; expressing “a kind word” to the groundskeeper and custodial staff on a job well done; acknowledging, verbally or with a generous tip, the attentiveness of the waiter/waitress serving you; sending a note of thanks to your teacher for his/her inspirational lecture; contributing to a toy drive for children and families negotiating difficult life circumstances; sending a loved one a “just thinking about you” e-greeting card; sharing “hand-me-down clothes” with organizations such as foster care agencies and Goodwill; and the list goes on.
In essence, random, and targeted acts of kindness make others feel visible, valued, worthy and appreciated. Furthermore, when acting in kind and thoughtful ways and developing a “thinking more of thee and less of me” mindset, the boomerang effect is set in motion. In brief, the emotional, healing, and restorative energy that emanates from random or targeted acts of kindness shared with others will return to the sender often in unexpected ways and at times when receiving the gift is needed most.
A pebble thrown into a pond of still water creates ripples far beyond its point of impact. In a similar way, acts of kindness, however small, create emotional ripples of compassion, endearment, respect, and heart-warming energy that impacts people, directly and immediately. That radiating moment, when carried into the future by persons on the receiving end of random acts of kindness is often paid forward thus, continuing the cycle of goodwill, and highlighting the observation that acts of kindness (AOK) are the gifts that keep on giving. Don’t wait to share your gift! Someone is waiting for your smile. Until next time …