William D. Parham, Ph.D., ABPP, is a professor in the counseling program at LMU School of Education. His expertise in sport psychology, multicultural counseling, trauma counseling, and health psychology have made him widely known through his scholarship and conversations with domestic and international audiences. He is also director of mental health and wellness for the National Basketball Players Association (NBPA). In a series of columns for LMU This Week, Parham shares his thoughts on a range of wellness topics.
The frustrations and anxieties simmering among a small assembly of students peaked when they shifted the conversations to questions about what they should do next, following graduation from the program. After moments of careful contemplation, I suggested that the first move each of the assembled students should think about is removing the word “next” from their vocabulary.
I invited the students to consider that using the word next during explorations of important life transitions can trigger tremendous anxieties, self-doubts, hesitations, and indecisiveness; feelings that collectively create mental blocks, otherwise known as analysis paralysis. I went on to suggest that the word next often stimulates jaundiced and nullifying self-talk that manifests in feeling a heightened sense of urgency vocalized internally in resoundingly proclaiming, “I have to get it right this time!” This now-or-never thinking can feel all consuming, foreboding, and like a foreshadowing of a future of lifelong mediocrity.
The alternative internal narrative to author and ascribe to, I suggested, is one that positioned the worrisome young aspirants to dream again, like they did as young girls and boys. Related, while dreaming, I invited them to recapture the freedom they felt back in the day to do anything and be anybody. The lesson at this point was to incentivize the cautiously ambitious students to see that their emotional fuel to accomplish goals was found not in their abilities to ruminate on next thinking but in their abilities to look into the future and see their North Star goals.
I went on to explain that seeing and embracing their future accomplishments assumes that they broke through the fears and hesitations associated with the crippling and incapacitating effects of next thinking. I also wanted them to recognize that breaking through was defined as them having worked hard, smartly, and efficiently all while remaining laser focused as they kept their foot on the pedal of forward movement. I wound down the conversation by inviting them to consider that when they work hard, smartly, and with intentionality that they did not have to go looking for opportunities; opportunities would come looking for them. I added that not only would opportunities come looking for them, but opportunities would find them in the most unlikely places.
The lure of an impending meeting in 15 minutes prompted me to share with the students a funny story I heard many years ago. I began by saying, paraphrased: There was this bird who was not only stubborn but always wanted to do things his way. When winter arrived signaling that it was time to fly south, the bird decided to not join his flock and fly south with them. He delayed his flight south for the winter for as long as he could until it became clear that he needed to leave now or never. He took flight but miles into his journey the fierce cold and frost settled onto his wings making it increasingly difficult to fly. The bird fell to the ground just a breath or two from freezing to death.
Just then, a cow passed over the bird, the bird said silently to himself, “Oh S***,” and then, almost as if on cue, the cow dropped a gigantic poop all over the bird. The bird knew that being dumped on signaled that his life was over.
In what seemed like a twist of fate, the warm poop began to defrost the wings of the bird. The bird began to feel strong again, could breathe again, and so began to chirp and sing with jubilation in his voice that he had been given a second chance at life.
The bird’s chirping and songs of praise caught the attention of a cat that was passing nearby. Attempting to trace the location from which the glorious sound was emanating, the curious cat ultimately found his way over to the gigantic pile of cow poop. He pawed through odorous pile of excrement, freed the bird, and immediately ate him.
The students’ seemed amused by the story but queried its meaning. They seemed at a loss regarding take-away lessons imbedded in the story. It was suggested that they consider at least four lessons: (1) stay laser-focused on your dreams as in an instant, just as good fortune can turn to bad, bad fortune can turn to good; (2) not everyone who poops on you is your enemy; (3) everyone who gets you out of poop isn’t necessarily your friend; and (4) if you are warm and in good spirits in a pile of poop, keep you mouth shut until it feels safe to say something.
I ended the organic conversation by also suggesting that life’s challenges, some of our own making and others not, are inevitable. What’s also inevitable, is discovering solutions to challenges, even the most puzzling and difficult ones, that often appear right when we feel like giving up. Stay strong! It is often the most adverse conditions that allow people to tap further into their personal wellness account, accessing wellness funds that come in different emotional denominations seen as strength, focus, and heightened intentionality. These funds represent the currency to find and develop strategies to accomplish immediate and longer-range goals that are often just around the corner. Until next time …
